In my past, bittersweet,
There’s no love between the sheets,
Taste the blood, broken dreams,
Lonely times indeed,
With eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Eyes cast down
I’ll keep my eyes fixed on the sun
Turn back now its time for me to let go,
Way down had to find a place to lay low,
Lampshade turned around into a light post
– Cage The Elephant
It is not uncommon for me to be nostalgic on the eve of a new year. Typically, I spend my December 31 mourning the loss of another 12 months. I go over each month and every memory from the past 365 days. And I bid my year a proper goodbye…
Goodbye year. Cheerio to another birthday, another Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Farewell to the crisp leaves of fall and the winter chill. Au Revoir to so many vacations, and trips, and miles, and places seen. Ciao good days, bad days, and indifferent days. Arrivederci 2015, we’ll catch ya on tha flip side…
This year – 2015 – has probably been one of the most transitional years of my life. It has been heart-breaking, and happy, and liberating, and joyful, and exciting, and exhilarating, and painful, and adventurous. I can honestly say that each and every day of 2015 has been an experience I will never forget… but I am glad to be putting her to bed.
Now – before you jump to any conclusions – I have zero beef with our current calendar, and actually, consider 2015 to be my most successful annual to date.
I am just ready to finally settle into my new normal.
I want to finish getting my house set up. I want to finally feel well enough to start walking to and from work every day. I want to explore my new neighborhood, find my “spots,” and get into a new little routine. I want to give the “Guess What Kind of Crazy Life-Changing Shit I Just Did” posts a rest for a bit.
I want to stop ripping Band-Aids and start making scars.
My wounds aren’t fresh anymore. I have finally made it to the point where everything – the break-up, the move, the everything – doesn’t feel like it happened just yesterday. Maybe my first trip home helped. Maybe being back where it all happened – and feeling nothing – helped to flip the switch. Maybe being “home” and missing San Diego made me realize just how right I was when I decided to kick over all of those carefully placed dominoes.
Or maybe, it’s just time.
There’s a beautiful quote from The Velveteen Rabbit that sums up this year perfectly for me. Margery Williams writes, “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
I became in 2015.
I feel real now. My life is my own. I am happy. I am content. I am finally at peace.
So, last night, I didn’t put on any sequins or high heels. I didn’t go out to a fancy dinner, or have a hot date (actually, I turned a few down…), or drink any champagne. I didn’t even watch a ball drop.
I stole a sweatshirt from Dan’s closet (Sonny and I are babysitting Duke) and wrapped myself up in a blanket. I picked up Arby’s and laid on the couch while the boys ran buckass wild around the dining room table. I drank Mt. Dew (which is crazy out of the norm for me). I watched the clock change on my phone.
And then, I un-paused Making a Murderer and went about my life.
If 2015 taught me anything, it’s that life isn’t about setting goals and reaching them. Life is about living. It’s about being happy, doing good, treating people well, respecting yourself, and loving whole-heartedly. Life is about becoming who you are and finding those who appreciate every wrinkle of your individuality. Life is not about accepting the reality put before you… it’s about creating the reality you deserve.
The trick to having the best life is to live every day better than the last.
May your 2016 be the best ever.