Sex And Candy

Who’s that loungin’ in my chair

– Marcy Playground


[Queue the strobe lights, fake fog, and bubble machine. Hey DJ! Hit me with all those inappropriate 90s jams. Dancers – GO! Jazz hands, people! Get those fingers up, assholes. Dad, you too. I want to see you reach for the fucking stars! Goddamit. Somebody hand me my mic!]

Recently, I said to myself, “Hey, self. You haven’t really put the fam on blast in a while.”

So, how’s about we just skip the bullshit and cut right to the chase, huh? How’s about a little #BeingBaker to kick off the last half of the week?

Is that what my people want?!

[Screams from the crowd. Lots of screams. Think American Idol.]

Then #BeingBaker is exactly what my people are gonna get!

Sonny-Bubs, roll. that. highlight tape! [points randomly into the air]


Saturday, December 18, 2015 – Family Group Text

(Regarding: MC comes home for Christmas.)

MC: Since the airport is a fucking madhouse at 5 a.m., the airport nazis made me check my bag [sad face emoji]
Momma: Oh well
MC: But he was really nice and escorted me to the front of all the lines… TSA and everything!
Momma: Awesome.
MC: On the plane… oh you know, see ya in a bit!
MC: One last comment before I sign off: Who. The. FUCK. Eats. Popcorn. At six o’clock in the goddamn morning?!?!?!?!?!?!
Momma: Cheap snacks
MC: Don’t make excuses for this jackass, mom.
MC: He’s a one-piece-at-a-timer. I want to murder him.
Momma: Should have been pop tarts
MC: Should’ve ate before he left the freaking house like the rest of us.
[Hours later…]
MC: Just landed!
MC: Still waiting on my bag
Bubba: We are tired of waiting call a cab tell them to take you to the nearest Bojangles’ we are there
MC: Rude. You call a cab. Tell them to take you to KISS MY ASS.


Tuesday, December 22, 2015 – Family Group Text

(Regarding: Recreating a family-favorite scene from our Christmas trip to Disney World. [Note: The conversation below did not take place between any members of the Baker family {though, it very well could have}. It was a sound bite we picked up in passing while walking through Frontierland. Just your typical, “Right place, at the right time.”])

MC: “Hey, Navi!”
MC: “Yeah?”

MC: “Suck my BUTT!”
[Dad (from the driver’s seat of the family Suburban): Your mother is going to beat your ass when she gets back to this truck. Y’all had better leave those damn elves alone.]


Thursday, January 7, 2016 – Family Group Text

(Regarding: Netflix.)

MC: Good news family! We have Netflix… two systems at a time. And since I’m paying, I get to kick anybody off I want. Anywho, each household has their own profile so don’t eff mine up.
MC: You’re welc.
Mace: I use Lillie Ann’s. And it is already set up on the house TV. So the only person who really needs your Netflix is Blake. So congrats, Blake!!! You got Netflix now! Your landlord is so giving.
MC: Fine. Don’t use my account. It’s too good for you anyhow. Blake and I will watch all the Netflix.
MC: Happy MLK Day, Blake.
Bubba: [thumbs up + praise ’em + “OK” emoji]


Friday, January 8, 2016 – Family Group Text

(Regarding: Redneckery.)

Bubba: IMG_9483

Bubba: Dang we so close tho
MC: Shiiiiit, beau. Dem some good seats. Might even get mud slung on ya face!
Bubba: We trying!!
Bubba: IMG_9484
Bubba: Already been some slung close
MC: Like how I got aisle seats too. = more leg room/easy to pee.
Bubba: You da best seat picker ever
MC: Hey, ain’t my first rodeo. [race horse emoji]
Momma: Send selfies
MC: “Yeah! Selfies!” Ma, that’s so weird…
Momma: [4 eyes closed laughing face + 3 kissing face + 1 shocked face + 3 aliens + 1 thumbs up emoji]
MC: How was dinner? Did you eat so much free bread? [At the Cheesecake Factory. He had texted me earlier asking if they served bread before the meal. I said, “They do. Two different types, ya cheap ass.”]
Bubba: Haha I ate three baguettes and we ordered nachos and our meal and a cheesecake our bill was 62 dollars haha I kinda cringed


Thursday, January 14, 2016 – Family Group Text

(Regarding: My sister’s terrible taste in music.)

Mace: Shania Twain Pandora station 15/10 recommend.
[No response. From anyone.]


Thursday, January 14, 2016 – MC/Mace-only Text

(Regarding: Sister stuff.)

MC: Obviously no one is excited to come see me.
Mace: Homie we are going to figure it out, chill
MC: I just get fixated on things. Also, when mom’s not into something she just doesn’t respond.
Mace: We are going to come we just have to figure out my schedule
MC: Last week she was emailing me so quickly about [boy] I was loosing fucking track of the chain… this thread you can hear the goddamn birds chirping.
Mace: I’ll call her after class
MC: On a completely unrelated note: I’m so skinny my shirt’s too big and I had to tie it in a trendy knot in the back. It’s like I have a man bun on my ass. I’m so fucking hip.
Mace: Oh you’re back in elementary school when your Field Trip tee is too big and you have to tie it and tuck it under
MC: Uhh no. It’s a bajillionty times sexier than that.
Mace: Show me
MC: Can’t. It’s a hard angle.
Mace: Kim K could do it
MC: Eff you. Don’t pull that KK Challenge shit on me. I’ll go to the bathroom right now.
Mace: Whatever chump
MC: IMG_9496
MC: Get. On. My. Level. Chump.
[Fifteen minutes later…]
MC: Thanks for the feedback. Ass.
Mace: I think you forget that I’m in college. I was busy learning how to find the average value of a function on a given interval using integration. But it looks cute, I like it.
MC: Hey, I have a job but I manage to find the time.
Mace: Look, I’m not perfect, okay
MC: Just work on it is all I’m saying.


Saturday, January 23, 2016 – Sibling Group Text

(Regarding: Mace’s terrible childhood.)

Mace: So you remember all those years everyone, including our own parents, were too cool to go sledding/play in the snow. Therefore, I would have to play in the snow by myself. Well, I just got word yesterday that mom and dad took their favorite child out in the snow yesterday. Also, mom AND dad went sledding. Bob Baker went sledding. Teddy truly is the favorite.
MC: Weird. That. Is. Weird. If it makes you feel any better… if I were still back home I wouldn’t have gone. #aintnevergonnachange
Mace: So much better
MC: Hey, I got choo, girl [fist bump emoji]


Saturday, January 23, 2016 – Family Group Text

(Regarding: Mace’s State/Duke basketball seats.)

Mace: Where I’m sitting for the NC State/Duke game… IMG_9485
MC: Say hey to JJ Reddick for me
Dad: That’s pretty close.
Mace: We were originally up there… at the very top [Attached: Picture of the view from her old seat.] but snuck down here
Mace: I like my beat down low and my top laid back is playing and I just told Allie how Chelsea used to pick me up from After School Care and blare this song in the parking lot.
MC: Ummmm I blared this song in the parking deck at work… like, last Tuesday.


Saturday, January 23, 2016 – Sibling Group Text

(Regarding: Momma’s Twitter.)

MC: Aaaaahahahahahaha
Mace: She follows us three, Ellen, Fox News, the Panthers, and Michelle from work
MC: Well she doesn’t follow MC and that’s the only one I “use”
Mace: Yes she does
Bubba: Haha what does it matter?
Mace: Just have to watch what I do now. I got a rep to protect, yo
Bubba: Haha dude sooner or later she’s gonna know you’re a drunk cusser
Mace: I’m not a drunk
Bubba: Chelsea back me up here
MC: Be who you are. Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter fuck them. Or something like that.
Mace: Yeah idk if that’s right


Sunday, January 24, 2016 – Sibling Group Text

(Regarding: Momma’s Twitter continued.)

Mace: Moms Twitter name is @Teddysmama48
MC: Oh for fucks sake.
MC: It should be @Teddysmama48_OhAndIGaveBirthThreeTimesIThink_maybe?
MC: Maybe that one was already taken
Mace: I think it was probably



Thursday, February 11, 2016 – Sibling Group Text

(Regarding: Bubba’s priorities.)

Bubba: Chelsea is this true?? IMG_9494
MC: Kinda… guess you’ll never know
Bubba: Dude what you mean kinda like are the burritos huge or not
MC: Maybe
Bubba: I wanna know what I’m gonna eat if I am ever able to come visit
MC: Burritos are a pretty big deal out here. They put steak and french fries in them.
Bubba: Sounds freaking awesome!


Friday, February 12, 2016 – Family Group Text

(Regarding: Star signs, dogs, and dumb brothers.)

MC: Friday Fun Fact: According to our star signs these are the kinds of dogs that are supposed to fit well with our personalities:
MC: I got: Labs and Golden Retrievers. Mom got: Whippets and Irish/English Setters. Dad/Mace got: Jack Russels and Schnauzers.
Bubba: And me??
MC: Blake, I kid you not… you got Chihuahuas and Pomeranians [insert multiple crying laughing emojis here]
Mace: LOL
Momma: We had Irish Setters when I was young.
Bubba: That’s dumb
Bubba: What personality did you say I had??
Momma: Lol… Blake
Mace: Lol Blake she said it’s by zodiac sign. Can you not read
MC: It’s your star sign. You’re a Cancer. It just is what it is, man.
Bubba: Why is my zodiac sign scarier then the type of dog I’m supposed to have
MC: It says you are moody and emotional. Hit the nail on the head!


Monday, February 29, 2016 – Family Group Text

(Regarding: Mace’s new “shit.”)

Mace: Sydney just got a package from her mom and this was in there for me [43 shocked face emojis]IMG_9487
Momma: Awe how sweet
MC: What is that
Mace: …a shit with Dabo’s face on it duh
Bubba: Wo Wo Wo a shit??? Looks like a shirt to me
Mace: Hahahahahahahahaha that’s what I meant
Bubba: Why is that word even in your phone Macyn??
MC: Uhhhhhh why is your phone even picking up ‘shit’ MACYN.
MC: Word Blake. Way to be on top of that one. [fist bump emoji]
Bubba: I know right Chelsea she just gonna act like we didn’t catch that
Mace: Sure make fun of me for my typo. While you’re laughing I’ll be busy in my Calc 2 class getting my last test back which I made a 94 on so come at me bro (and sis)
Bubba: No one is making fun of your typo we are just wondering why your phone has shit in it. Iphones only know it if you use it a lot
Bubba: So really you say shit more than you say shirt according to Siri
Mace: The r and the t are right beside each other and I was typing and walking at the same time so wasn’t really paying attention to what buttons I was and was not pressing
Momma: So, let me get this straight… older brother and sister have worst potty mouths ever but lil sis has a typo and she’s on the fast track to hell?
MC: Just told my team about the time momma called me a jefe. Had to preface story with “in my family name-calling is how we express love…”
MC: Also, just read them this convo. Thanks guys. [thumbs up emoji]
Mace: You mean heifer?
Mace: She used to call us all that on the reg
Mace: And how come nobody called BLAKE out for spelling woah like wo not one but THREE times
MC: Noooo she tried to switch it up one time and do what she thought was the Spanish version. So she called me a jefe. Jefe means chief. [crying laughing emoji x2]
MC: She called me a chief, y’all
MC: Yeah, well, he shoots his rescue cat with an air soft gun…
Mace: That’s like the number one indicator of a future murderer you know… killing animals
MC: [crying cat emoji]


Friday, March 25, 2016 – MC/Mace-only Text

(Regarding: Playing favorites.)

Mace: IMG_9497
Mace: This is the best photo I have ever seen
MC: I’m her fave. Obvi.
Mace: IMG_9498
Mace: Totally
MC: She looks miserable.
Mace: Yeah not genuinely happy at all.


Saturday, April 2, 2016 – Sibling Group Text

(Regarding: Jesus.)

MC: Uhhh it’s been 5 minutes and not one of those asshole bible thumpers on my FB has liked this young man’s testimony. Hypocrites.IMG_9495
Mace: Hahahahahahaha


Friday, March 25, 2016 – MC/Dad-only Text

(Regarding: #RaisingBaker.)

MC: That room is a disaster according to the last FT I had with Blake… they’ve just been throwing shit in there. It’s a mess.
Dad: I’ve lived with 3 children and one wife who can thoroughly screw up a room or house. I will be fine going in there with a flash light and a weapon.
MC: Well, when you get there, be sure to beat him with the weapon and make sure that cat hasn’t fucked my house up.
Dad: That’s what happens when you rent. You should have been prepared for this with all of the Judge Judy I made you watch.
MC: He snuck the cat in. Should’ve evicted his sorry ass.
Dad: The next tenant could always be worse than what you have. It’s always a gamble. Keep that in mind.
MC: Yeah. I’d take Blake running the ASPCA out of there before Macyn’s landfill any day.


Tuesday, April 19, 2016 – Family Group Text

(Regarding: “Hi, Mom. It’s me. Your kid.”)

MC: Just got done with some work-related celebrity stuff. Macyn, you made it into my interview. Question was: “What celebrity are you most like?” My response: “Over Christmas break my little sister kept saying I reminded her of Amy Schumer in Trainwreck. But I watched that crap movie and I think I’m funnier than her. So, she can suck it.”
Momma: Did you really say, “So, she can suck it.” at work. In an interview?
MC: Uhhh yeah. Is that really a question?


Thursday, April 21, 2016 – Family Group Text

(Regarding: Family wins.)

Mace: Got a 94 on my last Calc test that I wasn’t my most confident in.
Mace: And just in case you were wondering, that’s my lowest test grade out of all my tests.
Momma: OMG that’s awesome
MC: Didn’t overdraft again. Woo!
Momma: OMG that’s awesome
MC: Hey, thanks for your enthusiasm, mom! I really appreciate it! I felt the same way. This time I was saved by 8 dollars and some change.
Momma: Hey, we have to celebrate the small things as well as the big ones. Blake you have anything to celebrate today?
MC: Apparently he had Chick-fil-a for lunch.
Momma: Wow… that’s big.
Bubba: Actually Brittany did I just sat there
MC: Whatever. Always the victim.
Bubba: Haha I’m not the victim I’m just saying I didn’t eat
MC: Oh lord. Really laying it on thick now, aren’t cha?
[Later that night…]
Mace: [Attached: Picture of me during a particularly vulnerable FaceTime moment with Mace. Was gonna add it… but it’s hideous. And it’s my site so I can do whatever the fuck I want.] “Do you know how hard it is to sit at work for 8 hours and play on the computer and pretend like you’re being productive?”
MC: Asshole.
[The next morning.]
Bubba: Always the victim
MC: Touche.
Bubba: BTW stop using all of our data ya tramp
MC: Ok so I’ll cop to that one. Dropped the ball and realized my wi-fi was turned off the other day.
Bubba: How do you turn off your wifi randomly???
Bubba: You are about to get your own phone plan I can’t take this anymore
MC: Don’t be hoppin’ on this thread out of the blue with your theatrics. I pay for my part. Do YOU? You can’t kick me out asshat. As a stakeholder I’ll kick YOU out. More data to go around.
Bubba: I do pay for mine
MC: Look, I have bigger problems. IMG_9489
MC: In other news… IMG_9490
Mace: Wow how fitting
MC: Woo! My friend is the dbag who’s trying to kick me off the family phone plan. BFFs fo liiiife. Here’s to hoping he’ll kick my dog next!


Monday, April 25, 2016 – Family Group Text

(Regarding: All lives matter.)

Bubba: Sitting in Clark tire and can’t use my phone cause Chelsea uses all the damn data
MC: Too bad you don’t READ. Get a book, loser.
Bubba: I can READ on the internet
MC: I have plenty of books at the house you could’ve brought with you. Instead you choose to use your time bitching? Need to get right with the lord, my friend.
Bubba: Just saying all this could have been avoided if someone didn’t use all of the data like you always do
MC: It’s allllllways me. I’m allllllways doing something wrong. Let’s kick me out of the family. It’s because I have a different Dad, isn’t it.
Bubba: No it’s because YOU USE ALL THE DATA
Momma: Clark may have a Bible laying around somewhere, might want to ask. I know Chelsea won’t have one at her house.
MC: I do too! In a drawer or something somewhere…
Momma: Just kidding…
MC: Here’s a thought: Why don’t you think about all the things you’re going to look up on your phone on the 28. You know, when we get all our data back.
Bubba: I have the whole time I’ve been here and the whole time I was on the road back from Indiana
Bubba: Which is 8 hours btw
MC: Oh. So what you’re saying is YOU contribute a whole helluva lot to the data usage too.
MC: Hummmm.
MC: Seems a lot like DNA prejudice to me.
Bubba: No I couldn’t use my data on the road cause I got a text that 90 percent of our data was used
Bubba: Cause someone didn’t realize they had their wifi turned off
MC: Look, I’m busy surfing the internet at work. I don’t have time for your peasantry.
Bubba: Prob using the data there to


Monday, April 25, 2016 – Family Group Text

(Regarding: Redneck v. Southern Belle showdown.)

MC: Seeing an Asian with a French accent. So weird.
Momma: Wth
MC: I know. That’s what I said.
Momma: Dad said they prob thought a blonde redneck in Cali is weird
MC: I’m not a redneck, asshole. I’m a SOUTHERN BELLE, goddammit. Read the blog.
Bubba: Hahahaha southern belle hahahahahahaha
MC: Why is that so funny? I see nothing funny here.
Momma: Dad says a southern belle wouldn’t be walking an effing hound dog in California.
MC: OBVIOUSLY he knows NOTHING about Southern Bellery. A Southern Belle always keeps her hound dog by her side. You know, in case there’s rabbit hunts and stuff.


Friday, March 25, 2016 – MC/Dad-only Text

(Regarding: Redneck v. Southern Belle showdown continued.)

MC: I never said I was Scarlet O’Hara. But I’m certainly no Gretchen Wilson, DAD. Get off my back.
Dad: One of Gretchen Wilson’s biggest hits was “I’m here for the party,” which is how you hit any function when you walk in.
MC: … I do like a good party.


Tuesday, April 26, 2016 – Family Group Text

(Regarding: Defensive driving.)

MC: Just took a “Are you an aggressive driver?” test while studying for my DMV visit this afternoon… scored a “Good Driver.”
Momma: You cheated…
MC: Mom. You’ve been kind of a dick-bag lately, no?
Dad: No, everyone is very aware of your aggressive driving. There are a number of people who have anxiety when talking about the possibility of riding with you.
MC: WHAT?!?! I took the test! I even said I used my phone!
Momma: Standards must be very different in Cali… js
Dad: It’s California, things are a little different in a leftist state.


Tuesday, April 26, 2016 – MC/Bubba-only Text

(Regarding: Boys, baseball, and drinking laws.)

MC: 1. I was pretending to seem interested in the Celtics (… that’s Bub’s team.) game to look cool to a boy. Sorry brah. 2. A suuuuper cute Frenchie pup just walked in. He didn’t say anything. We’re obvs not meant to be.
Bubba: Haha sounds like a douche
MC: I’m always comin’ up against da douche.
Bubba: Seems like it
MC: Don’t know what he’s missin’
Bubba: Plain, okay-Cali bastard prob high as a kite
MC: Or just a normal dude going home minus one friend. Whichevs.
Bubba: Ha! I thought you were going to the baseball game
MC: No fool! I told you i accidentally went too far down and was just loitering around the stadium until we got off the phone
Bubba: Oh I thought you said you were going cause “I CAN”
MC: Oh I will when there is one… cause I can
MC: He just said “sleepy-sleep.” Twice. Really dodged a bullet there…
Bubba: Who is he talking to?
MC: The bartender.
Bubba: GAY!!
MC: “That’s not my jam.”
MC: Ugh. Maybe they are all gay.
Bubba: It is Cali.
MC: Wonder if I can get my drink to go…
Bubba: That’s illegal
MC: Yeah. In some states…
Bubba: Haha in every state
MC: Uhhhhhh Savannah
Bubba: That’s a city.
MC: Whatever.


Wednesday, April 27, 2016 – Sibling Group Text

(Regarding: Mother’s Day.)

MC: What should we do for Mother’s Day
Bubba: GET DRUNK!!!
Mace: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
MC: Yes, Blake. That’s exactly the kind of thanks your Momma – the same woman who is now deathly allergic to poison ivy thanks to carrying your stupid ass around for 9 months – is probably expecting for Mother’s Day. Way to be an insensitive dick.
MC: We get tipsy that day. Tops.
Bubba: We get her drunk too. I’m drunk, she’s drunk, everybody’s drunk.
Mace: Except dad
MC: Whatever. I mean, it’s not Father’s Day…
Bubba: Boom sauce


Thursday, April 28, 2016 – Family Group Text

(Regarding: Home inspections and infestations.)

MC: They are doing an “apartment inspection” while I’m at work today. So, naturally, I was scrambling around this morning trying to hide all the meth and extra puppies laying around. Annoying.
Bubba: Should have dressed Sonny up like a giant spider
MC: Dammit. I’m always dropping the ball when it comes to these things.


Friday, April 29, 2016 – Family Group Text

(Regarding: SnapChat for beginners.)

MC: IMG_9491
MC: Ummmm why do i look like this with a face swap…. OF MY OWN FACE.
Momma: Y’all need to stop with that app. It freaks me out.
Mace: IMG_9492
Mace: I look stunning with my own face.
Mace: Lighting made my teeth look great too. Wow.
Momma: Yeah, that’s one of the better ones so far. (In the past, Mace has sent ones of her/me, her/Bubs, and her/Dad. I told her to add the one of her/Bubs to their joint baby book.)
MC: I’m not good with this stuff…IMG_9493



Wednesday, May 4, 2016 – MC/Momma-only Text

(Regarding: My favorite.)

Momma: OMG… I can hardly wait to see your face. I miss you so much.
MC: I know. This week is dragging by! I miss you! Only three more days!!


Wednesday, May 4, 2016 – Sibling Group Text

(Regarding: No. No they won’t ever grow out of it.)

Bubba: What time you gonna be home Macyn?
Mace: I meet with my RA at 4 for him to check my room
Bubba: Damn what the hell is he doing till 4
Mace: Lol Blake I scheduled it for then
Mace: I have an exam in 30 minutes
Bubba: What the hell are you doing till 4
Mace: I have an exam from 1 to 4 you dufus
Bubba: Could have gotten it done this morning and left right after your exam rookie mistake
Mace: Oh is that what you did when you moved out? Let mom and dad check you out of the basement early?
Bubba: That’s what everyone at my school did
Mace: Yeah yeah whatever
MC: Probably the smartest thing ever to come out of Blake’s mouth. Way to drop the ball “school of mathematics and engineering”.
Mace: I got up this morning and studied get off my back
MC: I never studied in college and look at me.
Bubba: Btw Chelsea nice talking to ya yesterday must have tried to FaceTime you while you were doing your afternoon 6 hour nap
MC: It’s 6 PM nap douche canoe not 6 hours. And yes. Ya did. I tried calling you back. Just what the hell were you doing.
Bubba: Uh sleeping at 12 at night we people over here on the east coast tend to do that
MC: Pussies
Mace: Douche canoe
[Meanwhile, on the Family Group text: Mace screenshots some of the Sib-only thread and captions it: “I have such great siblings to look up to for college advising, don’t I, mom and dad?” {She received no response.}]
MC: And hey Macyn way to put me on blast in the fam text when Blake started it. Also, I think I’m a pretty good college advisor… in and out in four years, 3.25 GPA (fuck geology), and I didn’t read the first book. Get on my level, ho.
Mace: So are y’all gonna wish me luck on this exam or what
MC: Hey, break some balls.
Bubba: You made a 109 on your last one basically if you fuck up on this one it’s all on you
Mace: Lol thanks Blake
Mace: Yeah. Don’t fuck it up.
[Three hours later…]
Bubba: You leave yet Macyn??
Mace: Right now
MC: Why are you so worried about her Blake?
Bubba: I was wondering so I know when to go over there.
Bubba: How bout you get off my back go hang loose by the swell in Cali
MC: Go over there for what?
MC: Uhh I’m at work dickbag.
Bubba: To hang out. And you actually have to work to consider it work not surf the internet
MC: I do work. Why do you think my VICE PRESIDENT thinks I’m so fucking kick ass?
Bubba: Cause your good at hiding your no working ass. I actually applaud you for that attribute it’s no easy feature to attain
MC: Oh shut the fuck up. Your butthole is just busted up because I’m prettier, smater, AND more successful than you. Maybe while we’re at the beach we can set aside some time to work on your life plan. You know, if I’m not too busy being fucking awesome, napping, and drinking beer.
MC: Oh, and eating snacks. Cause I plan on eating a lot of fucking snacks, by the way.
Bubba: My life plan is fine I travel the country on penskes dime I work 3 maybe 4 days a week and get paid a pretty good penny to be a bum the other 3 or 4 days out of the week so who is really winning?? And btw I’m def the best looking one in the fam I mean have you seen my butt and huge arms?? Paired with my perfectly proportioned face I’m a damn good looking fella
MC: Your head is small. I have fantastic hair, my boobs have come in, I have bomb-ass legs, and some have even commented I’m quote “sexy AF.” Get out of here with your perfectly proportioned face. Mine is flawless, bitch. Not to mention I’m funny as hell. And I can use punctuation. Sit down, fool. Just sit. tha. fuck. down.
Bubba: Girl everywhere I go girls want me and guys wanna be me
MC: Where’d you find that one? Pinterest? A popsicle stick.
Bubba: [Attached: A maps screenshot of “Leroy’s location”.]
MC: Uhhh why’d you just drop me a pin, ya idiot. (Thinking he was being super clever…)
Bubba: I was playing with my dog. Ya prick (No such luck.)
[Five minutes later…]
MC: Just walked into this…. IMG_9501
MC: The glass wall. Like I straight up just walked into a glass wall. Goddammit.
MC: You know the Windex commercials with the birds? I was the fucking bird.
Bubba: It’s not even that clear
MC: I seriously do not fucking know how I have survived this long.
Bubba: [4 hand-on-chin-thinking face emojis]






P.S.: We’re open to new members, but chances are, we won’t like you.

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