Party Up

Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind

Up in here, up in here

Y’all gon’ make me go all out

Up in here, up in here

Y’all gon’ make me act a fool

Up in here, up in here

Y’all gon’ make me lose my cool

Up in here, up in here

If I gotsta bring it to you cowards then it’s gonna be quick, aight

All your mens up in the jail before, suck my dick

– DMX

 

My family dynamic differs from most, and ever since I can remember, I have been painfully aware of just how different we truly are.

At Christmastime, I refused to let my friends come over and see what all I had received from Santa because our piles of loot were so ridiculous. We were blessed with the best of everything. My parents paid for each of us to have a car at sixteen and go to college at eighteen. One summer, when I was in middle school, we came home from Charleston and there was a pool in our backyard. A fucking pool, y’all. Every year, they take us to the beach for a week. Dad wakes up at dawn, goes down to the beach, and sets up all of the beach equipment while us girls finish getting our beauty sleep. This Christmas, we’re going to goddamn Disney World for four days. Yes, I said Disney World. I am a 27-year-old grown ass woman and I still get a Valentine from my Momma.

To say we are spoiled is an understatement.

But my #princessstatus isn’t what brought me to blog today…

Typically, when describing my relationship with the four other individuals in my immediate bloodline, I mention, “We’re more, ummm, #KeepingUpWithTheKardashians and less #LeaveItToBeaver…” Because we are. We aren’t conventional. We aren’t censored, or buttoned up, or conservative. We are candid and honest. We talk shit, and bust each other’s balls, and give one another a hard time. We love and support each other unconditionally. We are loyal, fun, and super close. And then sometimes, I tell my mom to suck my dick. (For the record, her response was, “Chel-sea! You do not tell your Momma to suck your dick!”)

I know. It’s weird. Some might say we’re vulgar, or rude, or even disrespectful (gasp!). But that’s not the case at all. My Momma, my Dad, my Bubba, and my baby sister are my best friends. I could not love four people more than I love them. I would not change one single aspect of our relationship.

Besides, how many other households can you list where the patriarch declares he’s implementing a swear jar system and the son calls “dibs” on his older sister’s contributions? Exactly. My 72-year-old grandmother posts things like, “Unfuckwithable: (adj.) when you’re truly at peace and in touch with yourself, and nothing anyone says or does bothers you, and no negativity or drama can touch you.” to my Facebook wall. Or hows about getting texts from your Auntie that say, “I need a list of apartment needs!!! Santa’s coming and he (or she) needs a list or all you’re getting is condoms and lube!” Who wouldn’t want to get in on these familial shenanigans?!

Anywho, I posted a few screen shots of a conversation between myself and my younger siblings the other day on Insta re: our mother’s latest obsession with a certain new (odd) Christmas tradition. The caption read, “Maybe my next blog will be about the random ass conversations I have with my family… #kidtervention.”

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Said photo received quite the response. So, I figured why disappoint my followers. “Give the people what they want,” they say. And if more #BeingBaker is what you fools want… then #BeingBaker is what you’re gonna get!

(Note: Please disregard any typos from my brother. He graduated on a football scholarship.)

 

Tuesday, October 27, 2015 – Family Group Text

  • MC: I’m not wearing a padded bra today! Like in public! To work!!!
  • Dad: Why do I want to know this?????
  • MC: Family win, Dad.
  • Momma: OMG… new VS bra?
  • MC: Yeeeaaaahhh!!

 

Tuesday, November 24, 2015 – Family Group Text

  • Momma: Guess somebody owes Dad $15 for data usage this month.
  • MC: That’s if we go over, Mom.
  • Momma: Message said we just used it all up
  • MC: Yeah. So don’t use any more.
  • Bubs: No you are the sole reason we are at this point so you are paying for it sucka. Gotta learn your lesson
  • MC: That is a lie. I am not the sole reason. You can’t prove this.
  • Bubs: Oh we can I’m always on wifi Macyn is always on wifi and so is mom and dad. You’re the one that is not and is talking to people out of the country sooooo
  • Dad: The bill will tell the story and I will bill accordingly.
  • MC: Hey, Blake. Shut up, asshole.
  • Bubs: I’m just saying I don’t like not being able to use my phone outside of my house because one of my siblings is being selfish with all the data
  • MC: Again. I think those bastards siphon it out of our account. Also, it’s bullshit that our data isn’t unlimited anymore.
  • Momma: Blake are you sure your jankity wifi is working at your house?
  • MC: Hahahaha mom and her hip language
  • MC: And yeah, Blake. How IS that JANKITY wifi?
  • Bubs: My wifi isn’t jankety my service is. The wifi is the only reason I can use a phone in my house.
  • Mace: I say whoever used the most data gets the least say in Christmas dinner. Fair?
  • MC: What are you even saying Blake? That makes no sense. And Macyn, have you lost your damn mind? I call dinner shots. Mom’s making your silly ass a ham so shut it.
  • Mace: But hey let’s all just pause for a minute and think about how accurate this video represents mom and dad when company was coming over for the weekend (insert some dumb YouTube link here)
  • MC: NO ONE WATCH THAT VIDEO.
  • MC: Macyn. Stop. Using. Data.
  • Momma: Or someone just got $15 data for their Christmas gift.
  • Mace: I’m on wifi.
  • MC: Well Blake’s probably not and you know how dumb he is.
  • Bubs: I’m at home Chelsea quit trying to blame everyone else for your mistake you used all our data
  • MC: I’m not, dickbag. I take most responsibility but not all. I didn’t use ALL 10 Gs by myself. Probs 8 – tops.
  • Bubs: 8???!!!!!! So the other 4 members of the family only had 2 gs that’s real cool thanks for that
  • MC: I’m just picking. Geez get your balls out of a twist.
  • MC: And there’s only three other phones on the plan, there Newton. (Dad has a phone through work.)

 

Sibling-only Group Text…

  • Mace: I just told Blake he was going to have to go and get the frame tomorrow because I forgot that i am going to Charlotte in the morning so I won’t be here to do it.
  • MC: Oh for the love of God. Why couldn’t you go at annny point today. Really? Leave Blake to get a frame?
  • Mace: BECAUSE I DIDNT HAVE MONEY!!!!
  • Mace: And quit griping at us for making things difficult when you just now told us about this today.
  • MC: Don’t give me that shit Macyn. He was at home most of the day, I told you I would give you money, and you could’ve talked to Mimmie.
  • Mace:  I had stuff to do today and I did talk to Blake individually and he refused to give me money and wanted to use a frame mom already had
  • MC: Are you fucking serious?! I did all the work all I needed your sorry asses to do was buy a fucking 15 dollar frame at fucking Hobby Lobby. I even offered to pay for the goddamn thing.
  • MC: Whatever. Don’t fucking worry about it. Sit the print on the goddamn kitchen table after they go to bed if one of you two can fucking manage that.
  • Mace: Once again, I could have had this all figured out had I known this was something we were doing. If Blake was the one at home the majority of the day, shouldn’t you be yelling at him not me?
  • MC: This is a group text. You both suck dick as far as I’m concerned. And you both had all day to go five miles up the road. Fuck. Did anyone look for a frame she already had? Probably not. You’re both fucking sorry. I was trying to do something nice for our parents since that’ve been married for a quarter of a fucking century and thought i would include you jackasses. Macyn – You may not have money to contribute but you had thirty minutes today to figure out a frame. And Blake – i spent $120+ and asked you to give her money for a frame, you cheap ass mother fucker. Both of you can kiss my ass.
  • Bubs: Love you to : )
  • Mace: After this movie is over we will go up the street and find something. There. It’s done.

 

Monday, November 30, 2015 – Family Email

To: Momma, Dad, Bubba, and Mace

From: Miss Clariss

Subject: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas…

Body:

Is that you?

Word on the street is you are only putting up one lame Christmas tree this year. Have you lost your ever loving mind, mother? What’s next? Have you hacked up our stockings and made them into chew toys for your beloved Teddy too? This is unacceptable. I will not stand for some cut-rate Christmas just because you and Dad are too busy transforming our vacant rooms into various themed nekkid oases (which, by the way – eww.).

So, on behalf of my much younger, less vocal, and terribly broken-hearted siblings, myself, and the baby frackin’ Jesus (for cryin’ out loud)… get your ish together, Angelia. 1234 Bayberry Drive had better be transformed into the holiday home we all know and love, pronto.

Or else.

Sincerely,

Your worst nightmare (a.k.a. your first born)

P.S. – My annual Christmas list – complete with links, sizes, and color preferences – will soon follow this very explicit, direct, ominous, and sorta threatening piece of virtual hate mail. So, everyone grab your Visas! Kisses!

P.S.S. – No seriously, the village tree is my favorite. C’mooooon, Maaaaa. I live in California.

 

To: Miss Clariss, Dad, Bubba, and Mace

From: Momma

Subject: Re: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas…

Body:

I’ll see what I can do…

 

To: Momma, Dad, Bubba, and Mace

From: Miss Clariss

Subject: Re: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas…

Body:

Also, just what the h-e-double hockey sticks is THIS:

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Maybe it has slipped your mind, Mom, but we – Chelsea, Blake, and Macyn – are your children. You know, the cute little nuggets that sat on your bladder for nine months. Are we being punished for something? Is it because we aren’t leeching off of you and Dad anymore? (Okay, so that’s a lie. Blake’s probably grocery shopping in your pantry as I type this, and although it is “after Halloween,” that bum Macyn most likely hasn’t put in the first application on campus yet…)

Regardless, Teddy can’t even read, mother.

And before you reply with a snarky “But Blake can’t either!” rebuttal… at least your son can understand pictures and banter back and forth with Siri!

Fix this ridiculousness.

 

To: Miss Clariss, Dad, Bubba, and Mace

From: Momma

Subject: Re: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas…

Body:

OMG…I haven’t even gotten to the mantle yet. I was pulling stuff out last night and since Teddy was the only one there I just put it there and showed him what I made him before we got him.

You better behave ALL OF YOU! Santa is watching you ALL. Just like I know Blake took that picture and sent it to you.

Blake, what are you doing at my house?

 

To: Momma, Dad, Bubba, and Mace

From: Miss Clariss

Subject: Re: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas…

Body:

Hey.

Listen here, ma’am.

Blake did no such thing.

I have eyes and ears all over the place. I’m like the queenpin of the most feared underground Falalalala ring this side of the Catawba.

Santa is watching YOU, honey.

Shape up.

 

To: Miss Clariss, Momma, Dad, and Bubba

From: Mace

Subject: Re: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas…

Body:

Mom, I think Dick Fondle’s new friend might be one of Chelsea’s elves and reports back to her all your naughty behavior.

 

To: Miss Clariss, Dad, Bubba, and Mace

From: Momma

Subject: Re: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas…

Body:

Uhhh, I see Blake in the mirror taking the picture. He tried to hide but his big shoulders got in the way. haha

 

To: Momma, Dad, Bubba, and Mace

From: Miss Clariss

Subject: Re: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas…

Body:

The man in the mirror is obviously an optical illusion (or maybe the ghost of Michael Jackson [here’s to hoping!]). You had better watch your back, Baker. Santa’s not a fan of sass talk either.

 

To: Miss Clariss, Dad, Bubba, and Mace

From: Momma

Subject: Re: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas…

Body:

You all are nuts.

Navidad’s new friend does not work for the CIA (Chelsea’s Intelligence Agency). But he will need a name…any suggestions?

 

To: Momma, Dad, Bubba, and Mace

From: Miss Clariss

Subject: Re: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas…

Body:

Harry Balls.

 

To: Miss Clariss

From: Momma

Subject: Re: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas…

Body:

No!

 

To: Momma, Dad, Bubba, and Mace

From: Miss Clariss

Subject: Re: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas…

Body:

Everyone in favor of Harry Balls… saaaaaay, “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

 

To: Miss Clariss

From: Momma

Subject: Re: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas…

Body:

No! No! No!

 

To: Momma, Dad, Bubba, and Mace

From: Miss Clariss

Subject: Re: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas…

Body:

Mom,

Why do you keep kicking the rest of the family off of this very important message? Rude much?

 

To: Miss Clariss, Momma, Bubba, and Mace

From: Dad

Subject: Re: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas…

Body:

All locks on the house are being changed.

 

To: Momma, Dad, Bubba, and Mace

From: Miss Clariss

Subject: Re: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas…

Body:

Dad, a little dramatic, are we?

On a more serious note, Macyn and Blake: You really need to let people know some things you need/want for Christmas, or I’m adopting an elephant in your name.

Also, Mom, name the elf Elwood

 

To: Miss Clariss, Dad, Bubba, and Mace

From: Momma

Subject: Re: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas…

Body:

I’m thinking Feliz.

 

Meanwhile, via a Sibling-only Group Text…

  • MC: Check your email.
  • Bubs: Hahaha
  • MC: B betta have our trees (read to the tune of RiRi’s “Bitch Better Have My Money”)
  • Bubs: Haha idk dad was pretty set on not getting any of the boxes down and mom didn’t feel like doing it
  • Mace: Did you have to put in the part about the rooms
  • Mace: I’m disgusted stop
  • MC: Oh this is gonna guilt her into it
  • Bubs: Just saying don’t be surprised if dad and moms house is a one tree household when you get back
  • MC: She’ll make you get the boxes down.
  • MC: Actually, go do it and have them sitting in the kitchen so that dumb whore trips over them when she gets home from work.
  • Mace: Merry Christmas
  • MC: Yeah. Merry fucking Christmas.
  • MC: Also, you both need to respond as backup. Duh.
  • Bubs: I’m not saying anything mean to them they already trying to not get us any presents cause of this damn Disney trip
  • MC: No, not mean, just say something like, “Yeah… my fave tree is…”
  • Bubs: My fav tree is the one in the den with all the Disney ornaments but she doesn’t put those on there anymore
  • MC: Well then lie. Gah Blake are you on board with this or not.
  • Bubs: Ha just saying they are trying to find reasons to ruin Christmas this year
  • MC: Exactly. So stop being a pussy and speak up. Do I have to do everything??? Fuck.
  • Bubs: Haha you’re the first born so yeah
  • MC: See she just messaged back… she’s easily persuaded. Now pick a goddamn tree and reply you ingrate.
  • MC: And not the one I picked OR the one that’s already up, idiot.
  • Bubs: You ain’t gonna believe this shit.
  • Mace: ??
  • Bubs: This is the only stocking hanging (sends pic of Teddy’s stocking as shown above)
  • MC: Seriously. This has got to fucking stop.
  • MC: I’ve handled it.
  • Bubs: I can too read
  • MC: Again. It’s purely for effect. Sorry you had to be the one thrown under the bus but someone had to take one for the team.. you are the weakest link. Macyn’s in the school of Mathematics and Engineering, for shit’s sake. And I’m really fucking pretty. You were the obvious choice.
  • Bubs: Haha of course
  • Mace: Win some lose a lot they say
  • MC: Maybe next time, buddy
  • MC: I think I’ve sufficiently scared the shit out of her.
  • MC: Blake did you get the job done?
  • MC: Also, way to go dipshit. I can’t trust you to get anything done right. I feel like the villain in a goddamn Disney movie.
  • Mace: I replied
  • MC: Blake. Tree box status update. Pronto.
  • Bubs: What tree box?
  • Mace: Lol
  • MC: All of them! You are supposed to get them and put them in the kitchen! Duh!! Do i have to do everything?? I’m the brains. You’re the brawn.
  • MC: For. The. Love. Of. God.
  • Mace: What about me
  • MC: You’re my sidekick.
  • Bubs: I had to take Brittany to class and I’m going to wrestling practice
  • MC: Well, figure it out, Blake. Jesus found a way despite there being no room at the inn. Don’t let him down.
  • Bubs: Haha Jesus wasn’t born Mary found a way
  • MC: Uhhh he was too born. DA.

 

Wednesday, December 2, 2015 – MC+Dad+Bubs-only Text

  • Dad: Rent has been transferred.
  • Bubs: Thanks dad
  • MC: Yeah thanks. I love being a slumlord!

 

MC+Bubs-only Text

  • MC: Dad’s gift is coming to the house with my name on it. Open it = federal offense.
  • Bubs: Are you gonna wrap it when you get here I’m guessing??
  • MC: Yeah
  • Bubs: Alright just making sure you know we are getting here Christmas Eve right?? Hope you bring those wrapping fingers
  • MC: I only have four to wrap. Santa was efficient this year.
  • MC: Not to mention she kicked half her list to the curb.
  • Bubs: Haha alright
  • MC: Merrrrry Christmas, bitches.
  • Bubs: Ha I’m going over to mom and dads tonight updates on operation Christmas trees will come
  • MC: Word. I talked to that lazy whore last night. She said she planned on doing the mantle but Rudolph was on…
  • Bubs: Oh sweet Jesus freaking Rudolph
  • MC: Yep. And it was probably “Teddy’s first viewing.” That fluffy bastard is ruining Christmas.
  • MC: Speaking of our arch nemesis… what are y’all doing with him and the Warrior Princess while we are in Charleston/Disney?
  • Bubs: We are putting them in the kennel where Teddy goes to daycare.

 

Thursday, December 3, 2015 – Sibling-only Group Text

  • Bubs: Still only one tree up guys
  • MC: Mantle decor?
  • MC: Stockings?
  • Bubs: We have mantle decor and only Tedd’s stocking and the decorative one
  • MC: So two or six stockings?
  • Bubs: Six
  • MC: At least we are all accounted for.
  • Bubs: Still can’t believe only one tree
  • MC: If she doesn’t have another tree up by Saturday night… she has given me no other choice. Blake, lift one of those fucking elves.

 

Family Group Text

  • MC: Mother. My sources have given me an updated report on the holiday decor comings and goings of 1234 Bayberry Dr. Seems as though all family members can be accounted for on the stocking front – well done. Also, you seemed to have carved out time enough between commercial breaks during Rudolph to get the mantle done – bravo. HOWEVER, there is STILL only one lonely Christmas tree standing. You have 48 hours or there will be consequences.
  • Momma: Really, you better be good. Santa’s watching you.

 

Monday, December 7, 2015 – Sibling-only Group Text

  • Bubs: [Sends a video message.] Mom put the trees up – for us.
  • Mace: WOO!
  • MC: Yeah!

 

Friday, December 11, 2015 – Sibling-only Group Text

  • Mace: Me to mom just now: You know it’s funny, I woke up this morning and Navidad and Feliz were still in the same spot as they were yesterday. Interesting.
  • Mace: Her: Yeah sometimes they are just really lazy and like to sleep in.
  • MC: I knew those bastards were gonna get her when we all started to come home
  • Mace: Told you guys it was just a hobby
  • MC: More like an after school activity
  • Mace: Also… Chelsea I know where your bad driving comes from
  • Mace: Angelia
  • MC: It’s not even 9 a.m. here and I’m already getting railed? Rude.
  • Mace: Just saying
  • Mace: Blake you’re rude
  • Bubs: How am I rude
  • Mace: I send you quality Snapchats and you don’t reply
  • MC: Christmas gift idea: black/white bra body by Victoria push up 38DD
  • MC: Also, I need like jeans and clothes cause I’m so skinny.
  • MC: Tell mom.
  • MC: I wear like a 10 or 12 in pants now. 12 to be sure. Though I’m only shrinking by the second.
  • Mace: Okay
  • Mace: What kind of bra
  • MC: Dude. Already told you. Body by Victoria Push up. Sending a pic…
  • Mace: No thank you I get it
  • MC: Too bad already sent.

 

MC+Mace-only Text

  • MC: (Picture of my boobs.)
  • Mace: You’re a problem. Seriously.
  • MC: I’m a problem? I almost sent that in the sib text… awkwarrrrd.
  • Mace: A problem. An issue. Messed up in the head. Don’t tell me you took that sitting at your desk…
  • MC: No, crazy! I went to the bathroom!
  • Mace: Thank God
  • MC: Thinking back, I could’ve just sent a screen shot of one of the bras off the website.
  • Mace: That’s what I thought you were going to do…
  • Mace: But no
  • Mace: Tit pic
  • MC: Wooops : )
  • MC: #mymilkshakebringsalltheboystotheyard

 

Yes, people. All of these are real conversations had with real members of my immediate family. Each excerpt was transferred into this post word-for-word… I have the original messages to prove it. None of these conversations were staged, scripted, or rehearsed as I quite literally just randomly decided to share them with the world.

This is my family. My life. My world. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Just one more week until we are all back under the same roof!

#Lordhelp.

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