One Of Us

If God had a name, what would it be?

And would you call it to His face?

If you were faced with Him in all His glory

What would you ask if you had just one question?

– Joan Osborne



I am commonsensical. I am spiritual but not religious. I am Independent? Maybe? Okay, so I am probably more of a Democrat than my family would like to admit, but I am conservative too. I am Republican-ish. I believe in guns, and private healthcare, and ‘Merica. Fuck yeah! I love everyone. Or maybe I hate them all? I say asshole shit about this race, and that group, and those individuals. I discriminate against all the people – even toward my own race, class, sex, etc.

If I had to describe myself in two words they would be: “non-denominational douche bag.”

Okay, so that was three. Shit. Then just put me down for “non-denominational douche.”

My spirit animal, Chelsea Handler, said it best (in her NetFlix documentary “Chelsea Does… Race”) when she said, “I come from the school of making fun of as many people as possible all the time, no political correctness, and I think that’s helpful… Political correctness is, like, the handicap of any real conversation and I hate it.”

Point being, I hate everyone equally.


I don’t normally do “hot topics.”


Because I actually like when individuals visit my website. I really do want all of you sweet, pretty, really skinny people to keep reading my blog. Therefore, I choose to keep my opinions to myself. Besides, I figure you’d rather come here and read all about substantially more entertaining topics, like: how to survive the demise of a 10-year relationship, quitting your life, overcoming depression and anxiety, etc.

I kid. I kid.

Nevertheless, there are some things I just can’t keep my lip zipped on. And for whatever reason, this time, it’s about the HB2 controversy.

No, seriously. What the fuck with this bathroom bullshit?

I guess I could start out by asking: “Just how many of you assholes have actually read the bill? Like, actually took the time to read the .pdf off of the website?” But that would be silly. Because all of you have read it, right?

And then, I could say: “So, you realize that the issue here is with this particular line (line 34/35, for my fact checkers 🙂 ): ‘Biological sex. – The physical condition of being male or female, which is stated on a person’s birth certificate'” But I won’t. Because you all have probably already researched the requirements necessary for an individual to update the sex marker on their North Carolina birth certificate. Whatever. For those who haven’t, “a notarized statement from the physician who performed sex reassignment surgery or from a physician licensed to practice medicine who has examined the individual and can certify that the person has undergone sex reassignment surgery,” is required.

In other words, a person must have undergone sex reassignment surgery to have the sex marker on their North Carolina birth certificate updated.

Furthermore, I’m sure you have priced what a surgery like that would cost. I know for me, it had been a while since I had looked into such a procedure. Naturally, you could imagine my surprise when the Google results stated: “sex reassignment surgery can cost up to $24,000 for males transitioning to female and up to $50,000 for females transitioning to male.”

Sheesh! That’s a shit ton of money.

But you probably already know that, huh? And you probably also already know that because surgery is so expensive, very few trans people go under the knife. Actually, according to, “Only 33 percent of transgender people have reported undergoing some form of gender-confirming surgery.”

That comes out to about 231,000 “card carrying” (literally, according to North Carolina law) transsexuals in the United States of America.

“Geez,” you’re probably thinking, “That’s a lot!”

So, let’s put that number into perspective: Currently, it is 1:03 p.m. PST on May 19, 2016, and according to the U.S. Population ticker on the census website (yes, there is an actual ticker), we are up to 323,590,154 Americans. Now, I’m no mathematician, so Mace might have to check my work on this one… but I am fairly confident that this means the U.S. population is made up of .0713865972572206-ish percent transsexual people.

An entire .1% – if we’re rounding up – of our population are transsexual.

Or .0606936416184971 transsexual people per square mile.

But those guys aren’t the ones we’re “worried” about. No, no. We’re “worried” about the other 66% that make up the trans community – the 66% that can’t afford to “undergo some form of gender-confirming surgery.” You know, all the ones that still have all their original parts. Ugh. There’s, like, THREE times as many of those bastards. Dammit. Hold on. Let me get my fucking calculator back out…

Okay, so, 700,000-ish transgendered people in the U.S. equals .21632302% of our population.

or .18392013 transgendered people per square mile.

Long story short – obviously, they’re fucking everywhere.

Moving along.

Because it’s very apparent to me that you’ve done your super easy and really quick research/calculus on your fellow human beings… how’s about we just skip to the real issue here:

Stop making this about something it’s not just because you don’t agree with how one group chooses to live their life.

Yep. I said it.

Stop being fucking assholes. Stop hating one group more than another. Stop hating unequally.

You say you don’t want men in the bathroom with your little girls. Okay. Never mind the fact that not once – not one fucking time – have I heard a mother say they don’t want a woman in the restroom with their little boy. But I’ll go with it… you don’t want dicks mixing with your innocent baby girls.

I get it.

I’m a 27-year-old woman and I wouldn’t want some creepy ass dude in the restroom with me either.

But consider this: When has a murderer ever killed a person after checking his constitutional rights? When has a rapist only raped in a “rape-OK” zone? When has a peeping Tom ever been put away for peeping on someone who granted him/her permission to peep?

Stop being naive. Deviants are called “deviant” for a reason. Criminals are called “criminal” for a reason. No sign posted outside of a restroom door will prevent a deviant or a criminal from breaking the law.

And hey, moms and dads – if you are just now fearing for your child’s safety in public restrooms – NEWSFLASH: YOU’RE A DUMBASS.

So, let’s talk about what this is really about.

You hate the trans community.

And I get that too.

It’s against your religion. Or maybe you’ve never met any trans folks before so you “don’t know what you don’t know,” right? Or maybe you’re just uneducated.

Hey, I’m right there with ya, peeps.

I can get down with Jesus. Hell, I’ve got a Bible verse tatted on my wrist! (I knew that bastard would come in handy some day…) I don’t think I know anyone who has made the switch. And honestly, the only real concrete stuff I know about trans people, I learned on I Am Cait.

But thankfully, I am a human being.

Thankfully, I am understanding, and gracious, and accepting of all kinds. Thankfully, I have an open heart and a curious mind. Thankfully, I can see beauty in difference. Thankfully, I was raised to believe that, “my God made each and every one of us – and, honey, my God don’t make no trash.”

And thankfully, I’m here to call bullshit on all of your jackass excuses.

For those of you who “don’t know” or are just “uneducated”…

First and foremost, do not have an opinion. You sound silly. You look stupid, and small-minded, and bigoted, and intolerant. Although, I realize it may not be your intent. And even though you may not possess any of the aforementioned qualities. You have to understand, this is how you come across when you say things like, “I don’t want no man peeing in the stall next to me!”

Because it’s not a man in the stall next to you. It’s a woman. Or maybe it’s not? Who the fuck knows? It could be a goddamn gorilla on the pot beside you.

My point is: What the fuck do you care?

Why do you care what someone has down their pants? Do you want to see it? Do you want to show them yours? Are you checking panties for a labia at the fucking door?

Well, you better be if you give so many shits about this law.

The HB2 debacle came about supposedly because a woman in Charlotte – a cancer survivor growing back her hair – was hassled by a security guard for walking into a woman’s restroom.

She was a woman walking into a woman’s restroom but got stopped for having short hair.

So now what?

Now you have to have the right parts and the right hair before we’ll let you in? Are we going to make you wear lipstick too? Are we going to make you hang fucking tampons on your ears and give the date of your first goddamn period before we’ll grant you entry to the woman’s restroom now? Will you be required to submit an egg in order to activate the hand dryers?

Look, this is getting a bit ridiculous.

For those of you who “don’t know” or are just “uneducated,” trans people aren’t out to get you. They aren’t “men” in the women’s restroom or “women” in the men’s restroom. We’ve already discussed those types. Those are called criminals. And no law will protect you from a criminal.

If a man truly feels in his heart he is a woman… she isn’t posted up at the automatic soap dispenser in woman’s restroom showing her “old parts” to anyone and everyone with their hand out. Chances are, she’s embarrassed by them. Likewise, I doubt you’ll catch a trans man using a urinal in the men’s room. You probably won’t find these individuals stripping down to their birthday suits in the middle of the YMCA locker room either.


Because they want to avoid assholes like you.

So stop. Stop saying insensitive shit and just think for a moment.

Finally, for those of you who use religion as an excuse to spew your hatred…

Maybe we don’t believe in the same God. Maybe we don’t pray every night to the same Jesus. Maybe we’ve been taught from different books. Or maybe we’re just not going to the same heaven.

But my faith taught me to treat everyone with love, and kindness, and respect. My faith taught me to pray for all souls – good, bad, and indifferent. My faith taught me that though I may not agree with everyone, I must witness to them all the same. My faith taught me that God makes all kinds, yet, we are all equal. My faith taught me He grants forgiveness to whomever asks to be forgiven.

My faith taught me I was accountable for my sin and no one else’s.

My faith taught me that God is the only one who can judge me.

Ignorance, lack of education, and religion should never be an excuse to hurt others. God granted us – each and every single one of us – the exact same opportunities when he put us on this Earth. Who are we – mere human beings – to take them away?

Again, maybe we don’t believe in the same God… but my God, well my God, made each and every one of us – and, honey, my God don’t make no trash.



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