It Wasn’t Me

I’ve been listening to your reason

It makes no sense at all

– Shaggy


Had to go to court today.

Sure, it was just traffic court. But I you know what? I kinda enjoyed having the opportunity to sound so badass. I’ve caught myself saying… “Yeah, had to sit for an hour in court this morning.” “Hey boss, I’m down at the courthouse. I’ll be in as soon as I can.” “You’ll never guess what happened in court today!” See… frackin’ badass, man.

You know what else I enjoy?

Getting bullshit tickets dismissed.

Typically, I pay the hundreds of dollars worth of fines and skip court all together. However, today, I wasn’t giving in. Screw that cop and his stupid 254 dollar “exceeding a safe and reasonable speed for conditions” ticket. I hadn’t hurt anyone or anything in my accident and I was hell-bent on getting that bitch completely dismissed.

I expected a fight. I expected I would have to pay court costs or at least some dumb processing fee. But the DA looked over my receipts, and then said, “I am dismissing this one.” “Wait. What?” I thought. I was so shocked, I actually replied with, “Is that it?” My 60 minutes worth of waiting had actually paid off. I nearly skipped back to my car.

My first court experience was pretty interesting and hardly what I was expecting. I guess I thought there would be a judge, and a roll call, and something more formal maybe? You know, kinda like jury duty. Boy was I wrong. Traffic court was nothing short of an amusement park ride. Lines of people waiting for the thrill of pleading their silly little cases. But it was entertaining to say the least. Actually, so entertaining, I thought maybe it would be fun to compile a list of all the thoughts I had while waiting for my turn at bat:

  1. Sorry, brah, but uhh… there isn’t a good excuse for a seat belt ticket.
  2. If you had to look at yourself in the mirror this morning, and make the following decision, “Humm. Should I let my dick or this sweet little ass hang out of my jorts today?”… your shorts are too short and entirely too loose.
  3. To piggy back off of #2…  just what the hell are you thinking wearing shorts to court? Effin’ imbeciles.
  4. Say, is that a tit tat you have there? My bet is, showing it off won’t help you get outta this ticket.
  5. Just because they don’t give you smoke breaks during court doesn’t mean you smoke a pack beforehand… on the front steps of the courthouse.
  6. When the bailiff calls people “M through Z”… that includes you too, Mr. Thomas.
  7. I don’t think you’re supposed to say GD in court.
  8. Carrying around that camo hat all morning long has got to be a pain in the ass.
  9. Wonder if it smells like deer pee (see #8)?
  10. Surely all these people can’t be here for traffic violations… ’cause homeboy over there looks like he should be on a sex offenders list somewhere.

The lesson to be learned here: Anytime you get a ticket, opt for court… just for shits and giggles.




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