I can be an asshole of the grandest kind

I can withhold like it’s going out of style

I can be the moodiest baby

And you’ve never met anyone whose

As negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest women you’ve ever met

I am the kindest soul with whom you’ve connected

I have the bravest heart that you’ve ever seen

And you’ve never met anyone whose

As positive as I am sometimes

– Alanis Morissette


So, when I sat down to write this week’s blog I envisioned it to be a “Meet Miss Clariss” piece. Sure, I write to you each week. Of course, you read intimate details about my life and those I love every Tuesday but do you really know anything about me? I thought to myself, “This should be quick and easy. Wham bam thank ya ma’am.” Little did I know that it would be the most difficult piece to date.

It took me three days to compile the list below.

This is me:

1. I have lived in the same small county of 37,000 people for the last 17 years and I still get lost “in town.” However, I know exactly how to get to Macy’s, Saks, and Bergdorf’s from nearly anywhere in Manhattan… having only been there once.

2. I name everything. If it does not already have an item name (e.g., my purse’s style name is Grayson) then I give it a name (e.g., my wallet’s name is Pretty). Everything is a “he” or “she” and if it has a face… oh lord. Anything with a face has feelings. When I was little, I would get in the very middle of my bed and line each side with all my stuffed animals sporting the loneliest expressions.

3. Ever since I was little, all I have ever wanted to do was grow up and move back to Charleston. To this day, I daydream about my future… in Charleston. A lot of my dreams are set in Charleston. As I mentioned above, I have lived in this very place for the last 17 years of my life but I have never felt at home more than I do when I am at my Nana’s. Just goes to prove, you truly can leave your heart in a city.

4. My love for Apple products started when I went away for college. Momma and Dad sold me on getting a MacBook because it matched my iPod.

5. I have a love affair with music. I know most (if not all) of the words to many, many songs. I do not hesitate to sing anywhere – in front of anyone. My fave karaoke numbers are: The Bad Touch and Tainted Love. I name each blog after a song and begin each one with a piece of that song’s lyrics. Music can affect people deeply, for instance:

A song inspires me.

I write.

You read.

You hear that song and think of me.

I make you smile… hopefully.

May my inspiration become yours…

6. Piggy-backing off of #5: I do not hesitate to dance anywhere, in front of anyone. If you are lucky enough to meet me on the road, you will most likely get the pleasure of witnessing me in full club mode: fist pumping, head bobbing, the works. Enjoy.

7. It is bizarre… but I actually enjoy paying bills. I do not like the feeling of living on borrowed time, or money for that matter. The credit cards in my name are used strictly to build credit. I do not live beyond my means and always pay my credit cards off the day the charges post. Yesterday, I made my first car payment… or three.

8. I say “balls” a lot. Like, “Hold your balls.” “It’s hot as balls up in here!” “I am freezing my balls off.” “Holy balls!” Typically, people do not understand why I refer to “my balls” all the time. Well, if you must know douchebags, shouting “Holy fallopian tubes!” just doesn’t have the same ring to it, now does it? And for the record, I call people vaginas all the time… I don’t discriminate.

9. Falling along the same line as #8: Clearly, I have a terrible mouth. Many onlookers have also commented that I have a very inventive way of cursing. “Oh my shit!” seems to be a popular one. Momma and Dad must be so proud.

10. I am deathly afraid of the dark. I am very ashamed of what I am about to tell you but… I run stop signs when I am driving in the dark and if I have to stop at a stoplight I nearly hyperventilate. If Mr. Big is unavailable, I call Bubba and speak to him the entire way to where ever I am going… like, until I walk through the door. I spend my entire life running from light switch to light switch.

11. Anytime someone asks for a donation, I donate.

12. I hate wearing sunglasses. My ears are kiiinda crooked. So, depending on the size of sunglasses I pick up, I could be rocking The Rock eyebrow all day long.

13. Hair dye and acetone are two of my favorite smells. Sometimes, I go out of my way to walk by the nail salon while at the mall.

14. For whatever reason, I have convinced myself I am a Mafia Princess. The majority of my DVD collection is made up of Mob movies. It is not something I can explain. I am obsessed with two things: Mummies and the Mafia.

15. Big and I fight over the radio. He’s a lot bit country and I’m a lot bit rock-n-roll. The gender roles in our relationship are often times flip-flopped.

16. I am very methodical and logical. For years, I had my heart set on being a lawyer. I told myself on the day I graduated from college, “Self, if you do not have a decent job two years from this day… we’re going to law school.” Two years later, I have a great job. I guess God has a better plan.

17. I carry four fortunes in my wallet:

  • “This year your highest priority will be your family.” – to remind me not to kick Mace’s ass.
  • “You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily.” – to remind me it is okay not to have all the answers.
  • “A ship in harbor is safe, but that’s not why ships are built.” – to remind me never to settle.

And my personal favorite, “Treat yourself to something of quality. You deserve it.” – Well, don’t mind if I do…

18. I am not a mother, but when that day comes, I sure as shit won’t let my kids run around a store like a bunch of leprechauns in heat. Crazy bastards.

19. My drink of choice is: vodka on the rocks with a shot glass of orange juice on the side. I use my straw to transport the perfect amount of orange juice over to my vodka glass. Cheers.

20. I am very passionate. If I love something, I love it with my whole heart. If I hate something… refer to #26.

21. When I sit on the beach, I constantly wonder who is sitting in the chair directly across the ocean from me. When I am in the car, I constantly wonder where the people in all the other cars are going. Maybe that is why I watch so much reality TV… obviously I am nosey.

22. I am not religious but I pray everyday.

23. Getting on and off of interstate ramps gives me much anxiety. Like, my heart starts pounding in my head, my palms get sweaty, and I have to have total silence to complete the maneuver safely.

24. Another “while on the road” quirk: Every time I see a limousine, my default thought is, “Well, there goes Mariah Carey.” Does not matter where I am or what is going on… it is always Mariah Carey.

25. Much like every one else in the world, I have many narcissistic tendencies. When I was younger, I used to videotape myself recreating Spice Girls music videos. My family and Big joke about my “photo-face.” I know I sound like an asshole when I say this, but I used to model so I am very self-aware. I guess a lot of people could stand to be a little less vain but then again there are quite a few who could stand to be a little more…

26. I am calculating and vindictive. I forget nothing. Getting into a disagreement with me is one of the most uncomfortable situations you could get yourself into. I can twist your words around in such a way that you either walk away agreeing with me or confused as hell. No, this is not one of my more peachy personality traits but at least I get it honest.

27. On average, I eat spaghetti 12 times a month.


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