I hate the world today
– Meredith Brooks
I am sick this week. And as you could probably guess, I am not a sweet sick person. It is hard for me to be cute and kitschy when I cannot breathe. Seriously, who gets a cold in July?
This brings me to the very point of today’s entry: Things That Just Piss You Off.
I did a little research for this one. I wanted to make this a “we” entry; a piece that we all could relate to. As you read through the list below I hope you say to yourself, “Yes. YES! I hate when people do that!” So without further adieu, and in no particular order, this is what I found…
- Bathroom etiquette. Why is it that every time I walk into an empty restroom pick a stall (out of eight), sit down, and as soon as I commit (start to pee) I hear the door to the stall right beside of me slam shut? Every single time I try to use the bathroom some asshole comes in and has to pee right on top of me. Has no one ever heard of the “Skip-a-Stall” rule? Rude.
- I was helping with an interview the other day when the candidate said, “I don’t like working in a hostile work environment.” I wanted to raise my hand and say, “Actually, I love it. I looooove working in a hostile work environment. The hostile the better buddy.” Really, dude? Why do people say things like: “I hate traffic.” “Man, I can’t stand commercials.” “I don’t like doing the dishes.” Honestly, stop everything you are doing right now and tell me if you take the busiest route home, flip from a television program just to seek a channel in mid-commercial, or if you feel emotionally attacked when someone puts your bowl in the dishwasher for you. Any takers? Oh imagine that. NO ONE. Not a single soul likes any of those things, so thanks jackass, thank you for stating the obvious.
- This past weekend Mr. Big and I went out of town. I had made all of these plans, had all of these great expectations, and then the whole weekend sucked. Okay, so not the whole weekend but most of it anyway. I hate that. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates, it is like dominoes – if one falls down they all do. It was one thing after another. Why can you not ever just have a bad occurrence; it is always a bad day or weekend or week, hell – a bad year. That just pisses me off.
- Facebook foolishness. Oh yeah, did you really think I could make a hate list without calling out some Facebook pet peeves? Sheesh, where do I even begin? Well first off those habitually happy people. You know the ones I am talking about… the girls who are always madly in love with their significant other, the people who ramble on and on about how awesome their life is and “everyone in it,” those cats that post constantly about all things cute and cuddly. Oh puh-leease. Sorry girls, but I refuse to believe you got the only man out there without some sort of oddity. I most certainly do not buy into the rainbows and sunshine you fools are selling. Please people, make a human post every once in a while, it is for your own good.On the flip side, the raging lunatics that post incessantly about their shitty lives, drama with others, and whatever else they manage to find to bitch about… stop. Chances are, you probably aren’t friends with anyone who cares anyway.The Serial Status-ers. “Please post about every breath you take, morning, noon, and night!”… said no one ever.Finally, three years ago I posted a couple of pictures with the following captions:
Photo #1 – “Biggest pet peeve on the Internet: Taking 87.9 dozen pictures of yourself BY yourself with this lip puckering face. NO it’s not cute/sexy/attractive. YES you look like a lame loner/friendless/self-absorbed/ignorant ass. NO you don’t look fierce you look foolish. This is an epidemic that MUST be stopped….”
Photo #2 – “THIS (throwing up our middle fingers) is how we feel about you and your not-so-original pictures.
**I dedicate this album to all you self-portrait takers, you “you” album dedicators, you wretched bar dancers…you know who you are. I hope you look through this album and see a picture that reminds you of yourself…then go get help. I’m tired of looking at your silly ass self in a mirror, up your nose, or at your “pondering” face/mean mug. Just stop.”
Not much has changed.
- Number 5 is in addition to #4… but I feel like it should be called out separately. The following line has always rubbed me the wrong way: “Congrats girl!! He did good!” I am at the age now where acquaintances are dropping like flies… and when I say, “dropping like flies” I mean biting the bullet… and when I say, “biting the bullet” I mean getting engaged… at an alarming rate. It seems as though a ring picture sneaks its way onto my News Feed daily. And it never fails, a slew of people comment, “He did soooo good!” Well, first of all, it is “well.” He did well. Secondly, are these women receiving jewelry from potty-training puppies? No. Stop talking about these grown ass men like they are A. Not able to see your grammatically incorrect post and B. Children/puppies/kittens. They are people; people who have taken initiative to buy, plan, and propose to devote the rest of their life to this girl. The least you could do is congratulate them, as opposed to patting them on the nose and throwing down a treat.
- Hey, people who only know every fourth word to a song – DON’T SING. Stop verbally assaulting our ears with your loud humming and babbling over the parts you do not know. It’s okay, not everyone can throw a beat down as quickly as Busta, understand a thing Adele is belting out with that accent, or match the digitally enhanced voice that is Ke$ha. Admit defeat and shut it.
- You know what else pisses me off? People who cannot make a decision but have an opinion. Let me explain.
Fake Person #1: “Say, I am so famished I may gnaw my knee off. Where would you like to get some food?”
Fake Person #2 (a.k.a., The Asshole): “Oh I don’t mind where we go. We can go where ever you would like.”Fake Person #1: “What about McDonalds?”
Fake Person #2 (a.k.a., The Asshole): “Nah, I had everything you could possibly get at McDonalds yesterday.”
Fake Person #1: “What about Taco Bell?”
Fake Person #2 (a.k.a., The Asshole): “I am really not in the mood for tacos.”
Fake Person #1: “What about Outback?”
Fake Person #2 (a.k.a., The Asshole): “Ehhh. I really don’t have time for a sit-down meal.”
…and so on and so forth.
Hey buddy – you cannot give your right up to an opinion yet still have a preference. So which is it gonna be? Make. A. Decision.
- Instant annoyance = having to repeat myself.
- Things that should be on the driving test:
- Swerving out when making any sort of turn is dumb. Don’t do it.
- Typically, if you know how to drive at all, you do not need to come to a complete stop to execute a right hand turn. Keep it movin’ buddy.
- Do not haul ass to pass me just to slam on your brakes and continue your journey at a pace slower than smell. I will ride your ass.
- Hey, if you can’t figure out who has the right-of-way… your turn just got skipped, ya idiot.
- Keep up with the flow of traffic. Do not be that douche bag straggler car that makes me wait an extra minute and 28 seconds before I can make my left-hand turn.
- I know this may be an absurd idea but how about a Universal Size Chart? Here is what I mean: If someone were to ask me what size shoe I wear I would have to say, “7.5 – 9.” If someone were to ask me what size shirt I wear I would have to say, “Small – X-Large.” If someone were to ask me what size pants I wear I would have to say, “5 – 13.” Yes, I said it, my “size” is not a number it is a range… and typically a very wide range. That’s bull shit. Nothing chaps your vagina more (literally) than walking into a store while on a binge-buy and having to go up a size because their jeans “run small.” Kiss my ass retailers/designers/department stores of America/the World, you fools need to get your act together and figure this shit out because I am tired of having to try things on, ask for gift certificates, and return ill-fitting purchases. Oh and one more thing… it ain’t wrinkle free, it does shrink, one size most certainly will not fit all, and it will never be “Cool Ironed” because no one knows what that even means!
Ahhhhhh. I feel better, don’t you? Sometimes venting – just letting it all come out – makes you feel like a weight has been lifted off your chest.
Thank you for understanding : ).