All Star

I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed

– Smash Mouth


My brother does some stupid shit.

Like really stupid.

Sometimes, I actually wonder if he’s one of those boys they talk about on the news. You know, one of the ones suffering from brain trauma due to so many hits on the football field.

But then I think, “Nope, he’s always been kinda dumb.”

Don’t believe me? Well, just let me tell you the latest…

I was on my way home from work  last week and fuming about my car insurance situation. How can no one manage to know how much my rate will increase due to my most recent accident? Why do I have to wait until July to find out? And just why the hell did I have to talk to three different people before someone said, “Sorry. We just like to keep that sort of thing a surprise.”

I called Momma to bitch.

She let me ramble for a while before she interrupted to update me on the latest happenings in the Baker Household. At which point, she proceeded to tell me the following: “Your brother just called me at work bitching because we don’t have any Band-Aids in the house. Apparently, he cut his finger on the blender and he can’t get it to stop bleeding. I’m on my way home now to see if he needs stitches.”

I paused for a second, and then blurted out, “You have got to be f*&king kidding me! He blended his f*&king hand? What kind of f*&king idiot blends his own hand? What a dumb ass.”

She agreed with me. We spent the next couple of minutes trying to figure out how a person could blend their own hand but weren’t able to successfully wrap our minds around the situation. “I’ll call you back later,” she said, “Let me go in here and see what’s going on.”

When we got off the phone, I sat there for a minute shaking my head.

I tried to give it a little time before I started making phone calls, but after 20 minutes or so, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I called Momma, Bubba, Mace, and the house phone (Dad wouldn’t have had a chance to get home yet… nor would he have cared if my idiot brother needed to get stitches because he blended his own hand). No one picked up and no one called back for a long time. When Bubba did finally return my phone call, I didn’t hesitate to ask about his little spat with the blender, “Did you have to get stitches?” “Yeah. Had to get four of ’em.” “You’re an idiot. How the hell did you blend your hand?”

Allegedly, after mixing up a protein shake (I know, what a douche-bag way to start a story), he began to clean the hand-held blender in the sink. While he zipped water through the blades (yes, the DA left the machine plugged up while he was cleaning it… in running water), he claimed to have noticed a chunk of something stuck in the blender (just what kind of protein shake was this fool making?). As he stuffed his finger in between the blades to unstick the stuck junk, he claims, the blender started to slip out of his hand. He quickly tightened his grasp to save the machine, but as he did, pressed the blend button.

Zip, zip!

For the past week and a half, I’ve been going around telling everyone I know, “Hey, guess what my dipshit brother did?! He blended his own hand! Hahaha! What a dummy!”




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